The Phantom Thief Emperor of China
by YuugisGirl
Summary: The best crackfic about underage drinking, gay strippers and mad Chiwawas in the world! Co-written with my friend Brenna. It is a CRACKFIC. Not to be taken seriously.


**The Phantom Thief Emperor of China**

**Hey peoples it's YG!!!!!!!!! (NO, I am NOT updating my stories!) Any ways, I have here with me my wonderful (if not a tiny bit crazy) friend Brenna! Say hello to the people Brenna!**

**Brenna: Hello to the people-**

**YG: That is enough of your over enthusiastic greeting! Now then...yet ANOTHER crack fic for DNAngel!**

**Brenna: I loves me some crack fics!**

**YG: SILENCE MORTAL! Anywho...this contains underage drinking, cross-dressing, and Daisuke in a dinosaur suit! I know...I love it too!**

**Brenna: Don't forget gay/stalker Satoshi!**

**YG: Yes, never forget him...now shut up! Now then...onto the randomness!**

**Brenna: YES! RANDOMNESS!**

**YG: Silence you fool!**

**(Co-written with Brenna)**

**The Phantom Thief Emperor of China**

Dark: _-groan- _Oh, my head!

Daisuke: What happened last night?!

Satoshi: CHIWAWAS, THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!!!!!! GET THEM OFF ME!!!!!

Daisuke: Satoshi, wake up you're just having a—

Satoshi: BUTTER!!!!

Dark: Ung _-blink blink-_ SATOSHI, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WEARING?!?!?

Satoshi: I have no idea... but I look fabulous!

Daisuke: Dark... Why do you have a Chinese take-out box on your head?

Dark: We wake up together in a room where we've been passed out for God knows how long, you're in a dinosaur costume, Satoshi's dressed like hooker, and the first thing you ask is why I have a Chinese take-out box on my head!!!!

Daisuke: It's a valid question!!!!

Satoshi: _-rubbing head-_ How did I get here?

Daisuke: It's all coming back to me now...

_(flash back shimmers)_

_**The previous night**_

Daisuke: If I wanna wear a thong that is my prerogative!

Dark: But dude... it's _GIRLS_ underwear... for _GIRLS_

Satoshi: (outside spying with a camera around his neck) _-far away look-_ Daisuke in a thong _-drool-_

Dark: Daisuke, did you hear something?

Daisuke: Yeah! Super sonic thief hearing senses ACTIVATE!!!! _-super special awesome close-up-_ It came from that window!!!!

Dark: You know, you could've just _looked_ out the window instead of going through all of that.

Daisuke: I know...BUT THIS IS MORE FUN!

Dark: ...I'll go... see what it was. _-goes to window-_ OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

Daisuke: WHAT?!

Dark: It's perve-y mc purple hair!

Daisuke: Who?

Dark: SATOSHI! _-jumps out window and tackles-_

Daisuke: _-listening-_

_(fight noises)_ Ow! Stop! Don't put that there! Jeez!

Satoshi: _-thrown through the window by Dark-_

Dark: -_walks in after him holding a camera-_

Daisuke: ...What the heck?!

Dark: He was out there taking pictures of us!

Satoshi: Don't flatter yourself, I was only taking pictures of Daisuke!

Daisuke: _-shudders-_

Dark: Oooh let me see!

Daisuke: WHAT?!

Dark: I got to make sure he didn't...uh...do anything bad...I'm just...looking out for you!

Daisuke: Sure you are...

Satoshi: _-sits down next to Daisuke grinning suggestively-_

Daisuke: _-looks really REALLY uncomfortable-_

Silence...

Dark: _-suddenly-_ Oh my FCKING GOD! _-starts smashing camera against the floor-_

Satoshi: MY CAMERA! _-mourns-_

Daisuke: What the hell Dark?!

Dark: It was a picture…

Daisuke: Yes…

Dark: Of you…

Daisuke: Yes…

Dark: In...the...shower

Daisuke: 0.0 -_edges away from Satoshi-_

Satoshi: _-pouts adorably-_

Dark:-_looks at Satoshi- _How did you even...There are no WINDOWS in our bathroom!

Satoshi: You know, for a Phantom Thief you have surprisingly easy security to bypass.

Daisuke: _-rolls eyes-_

Dark: Note to self, buy Satoshi eating guard dogs.

Satoshi: So...what do we do now?

Dark: Besides murder you?

Satoshi: Yes, besides that.

Daisuke: Lets watch Desperate House Wives!

Satoshi: No... LETS HAVE AN ORGY!!!!

Daisuke and Dark: ???????

Satoshi: I... umm... I mean... lets eat an orange-y

Dark: RIIIIIIIIIIIGHT....

Daisuke_: -gets up and sits in another chair-_

Dark: I know!!! Let's go clubbing! It's what all the fabulous people do on Friday nights!

Daisuke: But it's _Wednesday_!

Dark: Yes, we'll just look THAT much more fabulous next to all the drunk alcoholics there with no lives!

Daisuke: No...WE'LL look like drunk alcoholics with no lives!

Satoshi: I LIKE IT! Anything to get drunk with you baby!

Daisuke: _-shudders-_

Dark: It's perfect!

Daisuke: But...none of us are old enough to get into any kind of club!

Dark: Hello, two thousand year old personality here, I think I qualify.

Satoshi: I can get on my looks alone! _-strikes sexy model pose-_

Daisuke: What about me?!

Dark: I thought you didn't even want to go!

Daisuke: I need to keep an eye on you two...in case of...emergency!

Satoshi: You can keep as close an eye on me as you want baby!

Dark: Enough with your insinuations! -_stares at Daisuke-_ I have the perfect disguise!

Satoshi: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Dark and Satoshi: _-look at each other and nod_-

Daisuke: What are you guys thinking...

Dark and Satoshi: -_start advancing on Daisuke-_

Daisuke: …MOMMY!!!!!!!!!

**_20 Minutes and several pleas for Satoshi to leave the room later..._**

Daisuke: I...feel...so...stupid...THIS WILL NEVER WORK!

Satoshi: But you look ADORABLE in that dinosaur costume!

Daisuke: How the heck is this going to help us get into a club?!

Dark: Please, everyone in the bar will be too drunk to notice!

Daisuke: What about the bouncer?

Dark: Probably seen weirder things...speaking of which! Hello my good sir!

Bouncer: _-glare-_

Dark: _-Shows fake ID-_ Those two are with me.

Bouncer: Blue-boy I'll believe, but what is THAT?! _-points at Daisuke-_

Satoshi: He's my...PET! Come here girl! _-nuzzles a scowling Daisuke-_

_**Once inside**_

Daisuke: Couldn't I have been a BOY pet dinosaur?!?!

Satoshi: But then this would be weird! _-nuzzles again-_

Dark: _-face palm- _It IS weird so stop!

Satoshi: I can't help it if I have urges! -_clings to struggling Daisuke-_

Dark: _-sigh, turns to Daisuke-_ You know dude, you look like you really need to relax. I'll go get you some...stuff.

Daisuke: Wait, don't leave me here with this lunatic!

Satoshi: -_grin-_ You know you love me!

Daisuke: HELP!

_**At the bar**_

Dark: I'll have 3 glasses of your strongest spirits.

Bartender: Sorry kid, but we're only allowed to sell one glass per customer. The last guy that drank two in a row got so drunk that he passed out on the second sip of his second glass.

Dark: _-Thinks of Daisuke-_On second thought, I'll have 2 of your strongest and a Shirley Temple.

Bartender: _-looks severely at Dark-_

Dark: They're for my friends and I.

Bartender: Riiiiiight_...-hands over drinks-_ Your funeral. Just don't barf all over the counter got it?

Dark: _-takes drinks and turns to see a very happy Satoshi hugging and struggling Daisuke around the waist-_

Daisuke: _-mouths-_ HELP ME!

_**Seven drinks and five Shirely Temples later**_

Bartender: Ladies and Gentlemen, allow me to present Mustang Sally! _-woman starts dancing on the bar-_

Random guy: MY EYES MY EYES, MY BEAUTIFUL VIRGIN EYES!!!!!!!!

Dark: _-looks at screaming guy- _What a loser right Daisuke? Daisuke?

Daisuke: _-huddled in a corner with hands over his eyes rocking back and forth-_ Naked lady, naked lady...

Dark: -_face palm_-

Satoshi: -_contemplating-_ I could do better.

Mustang Sally: Oh really, then lets see you try!

Satoshi: OKAY! _-stumbles drunkenly onto the stage-_ Bartender -_hiccup-_ fire up the -_hiccup- _MUSIC! _-rips off shirt and swings it around his head-_

Dark: I didn't know Satoshi was ripped!

Daisuke: What where?! _-looks up from cowering in the corner-_

Satoshi: _-dances sexily and starts taking off his pants-_

Daisuke: Woo Hoo!!!! Go Satoshi _-cheerleading and drooling at the same time-_

Dark:_ -face palm-_ The sugar has gone to his head! _-Tries to drink from his now empty glass, finds that nothing is coming out. pouts, then goes back over to the bar-_

Bartender: What can I do for you?

Dark: I would like... to buy... a vowel...

Bartender: A, E, I, O, or U

Dark: S-surprise me! _-passes out-_

Daisuke: *comes up behind* What about **Y**?! Nobody every thinks of **Y** as a vowel! You know what, I am sick and tired of it! Why? Why? Why? Why? **Y**? And can I get another one of those Whirley Imple things?

Bartender: -_face palm-_

_**Back with the dancers**_

Mustang Sally: Wow, you're amazing! You should join our dancing squad!

Satoshi: _-obviously drunk-_ Really?! Do you mean it?!

Mustang Sally: Of course! Here put this on! _-throws costume at Satoshi-_

_**Back at the bar**_

Dark: _-mumbling in sleep-_ Mount Rushmore...

Random guy: _-trips and drops Chinese take out box on Dark's head-_

Dark: -_wakes up-_ ... _-takes box off head-_ ... _-looks at it-_ ...OMG! I am the emperor of CHINA! _-giggles uncontrollably and passes out again-_

Satoshi: _-walks over to Daisuke and Dark wearing short black ballerina dress with fish net stockings and mini top hat-_ Hello peoples of earth! I come in peaces!

Daisuke: I have no idea what you are wearing...but I kind of like it... _-two begin making out-_

Riku: -_walks in-_ Daisuke! Daisuke! I saw a note saying you'd be here! Dais- HOLY FCKING SHIT!!!!!!!! _-sees Satoshi and Daisuke-_ Evasive maneuver number twelve!

Chiwawas: _-come pouring in from every entrance, smothering everyone-_

Daisuke:_ -swinging from chandelier with Chiwawa hanging from the tail of his dinosaur suit-_

Satoshi_:-running around screaming-_ It's in my hair! It's in my fcking hair!

Dark: _-drowning in sea of Chiwawas, only arm visible-_

Chiwawas: _-flood out of bar and push everyone outside-_

Dark: _-frees himself-_ Come peasants! The Emperor of China shall save you all!

Satoshi: _-pulling Daisuke out by the tail-_ Do you know how to hotwire a car?

Dark: _-drunkenly-_ Of course!

Satoshi: Then hot wire that one right there!

Dark:...But it's UGLY! The Phantom Thief Emperor of China shall not be seen in something so hideous! -_looks to one side-_ But THAT will do! -_jumps into moving convertible Ferrari, shoves driver out the side- _Pile in my servants!

Daisuke: Run from the demons! _-smacks Chiwawa away with Satoshi's top hat-_

All: _-giggle off into the sunset-_ (A/N: But it was night time...)

_(flash back glitters away)_

Daisuke: And that how we ended up back here.

Satoshi: Hey Daisuke _-wink wink-_

Daisuke: I was drunk!

Dark: No, you were high on sugar.

Daisuke: Same difference!

Krad: _-walks in wearing nothing but his tightie-whities-_ Hey!

The rest: GAH!

Krad: What?! You were all in here, passed out, and I didn't have a key to my house thanks to** someone** _-glares at Satoshi-_ who was supposed to be home! What was I supposed to do!

Daisuke: _-faints-_

Dark: _-scarred for life-_

Satoshi: _-still slightly drunk-_ Whatever, I'm going home. _-stands up with half his skirt folded upward-_ See ya Daisuke! _-opens door- _Riku?

Riku: ATTACK!!!! _-Chiwawas come pouring in-_

All: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fin


End file.
